Turn the table on your New Year Resolution!

There’s an old Jack Handy deep thought that goes something like this… “Children need encouragement. So the next time your child gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess – that way he’ll develop a good lucky feeling.” Well, Jack kind of has a point, no? I thought I’d apply this same logic, or perhaps its cousin, to my 2009 New Year resolution. Why not turn the table on my old foe, Father Time? Why no set VERY achievable, and even enjoyably achievable, goals?

So here, for your eyes only, is my DRAFT 2009 resolution list:

Resolution #5: Gain up to 300 lbs by Christmas. Yep, you read correctly. Without revealing too many personal details, that would represent a whopping weight gain, and I’m certain it would be truly a delight to pursue it (as in ‘almond delight’ or ‘wow, that third helping of ice-cream was delightful’). But all of that food is going to cost me… better save some money (budget $100 per month more in fast food receipts).

Resolution #4: Average 20 hours of television a week. OK this one isn’t much of a stretch, maybe it would really just represent year-over-year consistency. Thing is, I need to have a television goal, because mostly I like to eat in front of the television – well - there and also in front of the refrigerator.
But television can be so boring these days… ? Come to think of it, Beyonce suggests that I ‘UPGRADE’ to Direct TV, and really, who can resist the combination of Beyonce and Direct TV beckoning you – SIMULTANEOUSLY! I need to find some money to pay for the upgrade though (budget $30 a month more for TV bill).

Resolution #3: Keep more stuff … Why keep pretending I’m going to donate those clothes to charity? Besides, in 2010 I may decide to lose 200 lbs, at which point I am going to need those size 34 parachute pants. But wait, not enough room in the closet for my high-school wardrobe AND the Atari game device – going to need to rent some storage space (budget $30 a month for self-storage).

Resolution #2: Acquire more ‘things’! I’ve spent the better part of my post-pubescent life longing for ‘As Seen on TV’ products. I even bought the hand-held sewing machine one year (I convinced myself I could use it for sutures in the event of a home emergency – but now I know that I really wanted it to sow cuffs – I’m not proud). With the exception of the “Super Sewing Machine”, I’ve resisted further purchases. But in 2009 I’m going to buy more gadgets than a Saudi Prince (budget $20 per month + $12 shipping and handling, total $32 per month)

Resolution #1: Pay for what I WANT by eliminating what I NEED. Yep, unlike Wall Street, I have to balance my books somehow. Since the above resolutions will cost me $192 a month ($2,304 in the year), I’m going to have to get rid of a few things. I can save $30 a month by eliminating homeowners insurance; I can cancel the annual veterinarian visit/shots for the dogs and spread the savings over 12 months, that’s an additional $10 per month; I should probably stop chlorinating the pool (let’s put the green back in green people) that’s another $20 a month.. Hmm, what next? Well, there’s my LifeLock membership. Do I really need to protect myself from identity theft, countless hours of credit repair and the knowledge that I will likely have my credit violated again in the near future - what when there are things and food to be bought, television to be watched, and ‘antiques’ to be stored? Cha-ching, just saved another .33 a day…

Happy New Year Everybody (but fraudsters).